I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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