you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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