I'm going to jail i love you
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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