a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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