I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
