The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
