Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
