Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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