whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
