Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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