Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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