Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
either way he was missing a nipple.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
