someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
