so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
