I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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