A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
