I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
