is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
