Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
