you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
