how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
