I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
