Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
