Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We talked him into tasing himself.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize