Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
