That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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