He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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