Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
