I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
