The best revenge is premature balding
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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