I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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