On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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