She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
