Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
