btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
