New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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