then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
