you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
