once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
