i may or may not be watching the land before time
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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