the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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