I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I stole a fireplace last night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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