So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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