she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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