just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
