my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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