You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
