sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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