can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
false alarm. still invincible.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
