fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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