If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
