When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
