literally had 100 drinks last night.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
