1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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