Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
