Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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