Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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