If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize