If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
