I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I believe in your delicious
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
