my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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