i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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