you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
