i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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