I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
