im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
